Homo heidelbergensis has a hot skull
This year masked its revelations.
This year I moved away from home and really felt away. I made friends I don't think hate me secretly or dislike being around me. I kept up with friends that I could have easily let go of because I wanted to.
This year I tried everything. I flew to L.A. for a Lord of the Rings Oscar party. I rode in a cab, I saw a real actual oscar and real winners and real actors in the movie that helped me through a really dangerous three year stretch of my life and kept my priorities in check.
I still haven't driven and it's killing me. It's this evil weighty wedge.
I got a job even without a car and met some really nice people despite the stress and the bullshit of it and the insane unimportance of making copies.
I kept myself fed...well enough.
I went to Texas and I still wonder why I miss it, even though we survived an evil storm...and it's..well, Texas.
I kept falling in love in wrong, stupid ways. I kept being sure I can't fall in love without a car. I wrote some hellacious poetry. I wrote some amazing poetry that made me feel open and productive.
I worked on new ideas and old ideas.
I found ways to feel safe even when my head kept spiralling out. I found ways to explore when my head kept nailing me to the track.
My computer broke! And I got a new one. And it's stressful but good.
I realized that I'm not slow; I'm refusing to settle and I like myself well enough to keep me company while I sort through these applicants, these experiences.
I'm no closer to anything, but I'm no further. And I've really tried this year. I'm just not going to beat myself up over this year. It is what it was and I did what I did. There's always next season.
