Ghillie-Licker

I just wrote the best poem of my life.

And I was becoming a disbeliever in my moon power. It's an AQUARIUS moon, it's gonna be odd. And it was.

It was such an odd day. A totally out of control emotional..wet day. Ya know, I totally needed it. I had shit weighing on me, and while I don't feel in anyway RESOLVED about the whole situation, I do feel safer inside myself and my own head about what's going on. Or not going on, however you want to look at it.

At any rate, I let some stuff out on my mental table, and I let it say some of what it wanted to say back to me. Then, it got wrangled back into the toy box and I feel somewhat aired out, ya know?

It was raining so hard and I for while just let myself be miserable. And to me, that's orgasmic. To whine and mope and say, why isn't that boy fucking me and loving me and telling me I'm the wittiest damn thing since Beatrice?

I don't hate him, ya know? It's not anyone's fault. It is a possible relationship like every two people in this world have and no one has made a move toward it. It's just like you, Cindy, and your rockstar husband. If you just passed each other in Milan, two ships in the night, no one suffers for it. But you had your receptors open and so did he, and YOU, Cindy Crawford collected.

I am aware of our particular possibility but both our receptors are closed (kinky, eh, what?). So instead of torturing myself, I just have to work on the whole openness thing. Sharpen my wit and hope he's around to be found in the next semester.

Maybe I'll cut my hair, you never know what I'll do.

Because I was looking on alt.shyness.support, thinking, here are people that will understand what a miserable wretch I am and that I just want a boyfriend and I just want someone's arms around me and I'm diseased and can't have it and sign me up for a pill, and lo and behold, I feel...brilliant. I feel sexual and in control in comparison.

Absolutely nothing against "shybies" or shy people as I know that I am one, but the suffering that they're doing is just not marketable to me. It's not romantic shyness, which is what I want to believe I have.

I may need therapy but I don't need trauma to force me there. I don't want it. My life is a part of other lives and I have power to affect change. I'm not a monkey, whatever that dreamboat Matt Good wants to tell me in my tiny inner ear.

And Stephanie sent me a CD, I mean, I swear, guys, she is quickly becoming a fucking lot cooler than you all. You aren't even signing the fucking guestbook, ya dweebs.

Anyway, great french test grade, my green light days are still in effect as I go to my interview demain.

And I think I'll keep my top on and try and TALK to the IPB. Spontaneous stripping seems to be a more of a math class thing, anyway.

I love you all.